Title: Sunflowers, Part 1
Author: WyleManiac
Co-authors: Anna & Amanda
Email: beyond_the_sea@usa.net; amanda_miller33@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Carter Angst
Spoilers: None
Summary: Carter's thoughts on love, life, Lucy and family.
Archive: With permission.
Disclaimer: I don't own ER characters, NBC, WB, Constant C, and Amblin do. I'm also not getting any profit from this story, well, except for Carter clones I get in the mail.
Acknowledgements: Huge thanks to Anna and Amanda, my two favorite ER people. They helped me edit this fic, and encouraged me to post it.
Other:Comments and praise are welcomed, they will be posted on the board together with Carter's test results, but flames will be used to roast Romano on a slow fire. This is my first try on ER fanfic, and fifth fanfic in my whole writing career. This is Part 1 of fanfic series.

I know how you feel when you get crazy inside
They say it runs in the family
I know just how you feel when you get crazy inside
Your mom she said that you are just like me

"Sunflowers", from "So Much for the Afterglow" by Everclear

At the gentle age of seventeen, the young and naïve version of me still thought that I would be a famous surgeon who would help people everywhere, and don't let anyone die. Well, John Truman Carter III of that time is gone forever. Now the only John Carter left is the grumpy, overtired and sluggish third year trauma resident.

I still live at Kerry's. We're just like brother and sister now. If I would tell anyone about our chick-flick movie marathons each Saturday off, where we both end up buried in used Kleenex and empty popcorn bowls, they would laugh me out. They actually have a book on us, and Jerry put fifty bucks on "Romantically Involved" column. In his dreams.

Today there'll be some fresh meat: third year students are coming, and I'm going to get at least one of them, even if I have to kill for that. I need someone to bring me labs and coffee. Benton always used me as his coffee machine, computer and slave all at the same time. Out of my own students Henry never was interested in anything but the brain, the other guy fainted the whole time, and Lucy had a temper, so I never got med students to do something I would want from them.

Carol is in OB, having cramps, and I act as the head nurse while they send a replacement, which is supposed to be some time in the next century. I wear usual green scrubs with her peach lab coat. All the nurses are busy, and it is almost impossible to find one. Maggie, Edson and me are sitting on the couch in the lounge, looking very conspirative.

Dr. Greene sticks his head inside, waves to us, and yells: "They're at the desk!" Our heads turn, our eyes light up. Edson and me are on the starting positions, Maggie is not far behind. We run towards the admit desk, pushing each other, waving the charts and screaming something unintelligible. Patients stare at us in horror, and older residents smile nostalgically.

"I get the chick," Edson squeaks. God, that man is the future Doug Ross of this hospital. I can feel it. Maggie doesn't say anything, but just continues to run, her nose wrinkled at Edson's remark. We both resent him, and he resents us back. Edson is an arrogant Harvard surgical prick. Maggie and me work our butts off in ER, while he is busy attending seminars.

Four students in brand-new lab coats are crowded in one corner, looking like a herd of lambs. Three women, one guy. We slow our pace, look at them sternly, and cough. They turn around, and look at us with admiration. I know how it felt. When I first saw Benton, I thought: "Wow, a REAL doctor!", and now I just can read the same thing in those kids' eyes.

But wait, there is one student too much. Or one doctor less then needed. I remember that it is the latter. Amy Lamana is having her baby in a week, so she is the one who's missing. I share this thought with Maggie and Edson, and we get the straws from Jerry. The one who pulls the longest, wins.

So, there are four med students and three doctors. Guess who's getting two? Dr. Congeniality, John Carter. I get an extremely tall guy who's at least five inches taller then me, and a pale female looking like she is going to faint. They watch me in awe, their eyes as wide as my late Jeep's wheels.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Carter. I'll be your resident this year, and when Dr. Lamana will come back from maternity leave, one of you is going to be transferred to her. What are your names?" I say sternly, giving my voice all the seriousness I have. Inside I'm laughing my ass off, watching those poor kids being afraid of me.

"Keric Scales," the tall guy booms, breathing like he's going to hyperventilate.
"Mimi Darwin," the girl squeaks, nearly dropping her notebook. Well, my "angry resident" voice seems to have worked. I put a devilish frown on my face.
"Keric, bring me some coffee," I demand. "Mimi, get the labs for Mr. Darello. Jerry will tell you where to find them."
After a minute they are gone, and I'm in seventh heaven. Finally being a doctor pays up.

All of a sudden I'm hit by the wave of yawning, which reminds me that I haven't slept for almost two days. I lie down on the bed in Curtain Area three, register that there is someone else on the other bed. That someone else on the other bed is Lucy, soundly sleeping in the middle of her shift. She is supposed to be looking at the charts, but I don't have the heart to wake her up. I look at her for a little while before I drift off. She is so cute and sweet and still has that childlike innocence about her. We all have this untainted purity in our hearts, until some day we lose it. I lost mine long ago. Even though she could be a pain in the ass at times I am wondering if I am not falling in love with her. As I close my eyes my thoughts turn to this fact.

"Dr. Carter?" the deep voice booms into my ear, waking me up from my REM-less sleep.
"Who? Ke-? L-?" I mumble, falling off the bed. I look over at the other bed but Lucy is already gone.
"There's a phone call for you. Line 2."
"Hm, thanks," I reply heading towards the phone. It's lying on the counter, and the whole ER Gossip Society is gathered around. Their eyes are unblinking and almost too inquisitive for my liking. I shoo them away, and pick up the phone.
"Hello?" I grumble.
"John?" a familiar female voice asks.
"MUM?" I yell in disbelief. "You're in Chicago?"
"Yes, Johnny, I would like to see you this evening. Are you free?" "Yes! Where?" I yell. Last time I saw my Mom was about two years ago, and I can't miss a chance to see her.
"The little restaurant near the Sears Tower, we were there before. You can bring your girlfriend along."
"I broke up-" I start mumbling, but it seems that she already put down the receiver. Shit. I haven't told her about mine and Roxanne's... how to put it... argument. Well, I'll bring Lucy. She needs a break from Romano, and I need to figure out a couple of things in our relationship.

With an easy heart, I head towards the desk, where Lucy is poking her nose in a huge book, wearing a pair of most adorable reading glasses I ever saw. They are pink, and make her look like my elementary school teacher. Time to free the oppressed fourth year student from Romano's tyrannical rule.

"Lucy, are you busy tonight?" I ask, feeling like in junior high when asking my first girlfriend out.
"Dr. Carter, the only thing that I want to do tonight is go to sleep, why?"
"Well, I was just wondering if you would do me a big favor and go to a *family function* with me tonight. What do you say Lucy, will you do this for me?" I am just kidding myself, this is just a way of me getting to see Lucy outside of the hospital and show her my family. "OK, if it means that much to you I will go," she says, rolling her eyes. "If you forget about me sleeping in curtain three."
"Already forgotten, never happened," I say, putting my most innocent look on my face.

After we get off, Lucy and me look like two zombies. Paint our faces white, make us work another 24-hour shift, and you can give us starring roles in "Night of the Living Dead II: The Graveyard Shift in ER."

Our relationship has definitely improved since I broke up with Roxanne. We talked a lot about each other, our lives, and enigmatic sides of our souls. Lucy is very understanding, showing a lot of comprehension for a person her age. We went out a couple of times, kissed while watching Austin Powers, and hugged in the supplies room. We didn't do anything further, we'll wait for next year, and see what develops out of our relationship. I think that if anything big were to happen with Lucy and me, it would have to be serious. I'm willing to wait until she graduates from med school next year. I think that I love her that much. But tomorrow never knows.

We take a taxi to the restaurant from the County. We both wear jeans and worn T-shirts, and look like a couple of tired computer nerds. A trauma lasted longer then we expected, and we didn't have time to go change. I don't like to wear jeans because they are usually too tight for me, and for the reason that I never wore them while growing up. I like wearing suits, but all of them are in dry cleaning right now, so I have to settle for denim and a black T-shirt belonging to Kerry.

Everybody in the restaurant looks like they just appeared from the pages of a fashion magazine. A couple of people look at us, talking to each other. I guess a sleepy couple in rumpled clothes kind of stands out in the crowd. But I'm too tired to think, so I just let my thoughts wonder. I close one eye, and listen to the beautiful sounds of jazz, filling the air and lulling us back to our blessed state of dozing.

I see my mother approach, and open the other eye. She looks very good, a lot better then last time I saw her.
"Johnny!" she coos, smooching me on the cheek. Then she notices Lucy, and stops in her tracks.
"Who is this? Where is your girlfriend?" she asks, her eyes mischievously examining my sleeping student.
"That's Lucy Knight, my medical student," I say, elbowing Lucy, so she will wake up and it would be possible to introduce both women to each other. Lucy lets out a groan, and sits up, blinking.
"Lucy, meet my mother. Mom, this is Lucy Knight."
"Good evening, Mrs. Carter," she says. "I'm pleased to meet you."
"Call me Virginia." Wow. Lucy passed the mother test in a second. It takes me a second more to pass it.
A woman approaches our table, and I can see that it is my aunt Bella. Her face is white with rage, and I suddenly want to disappear. She always couldn't stand me, but after Chase's OD, she really hates me.

"How could you invite him after what he did to my son?" she yells at my mother.
My mother looks at my aunt and almost spits out, venom in her words: "It was not my son who took drugs, that was all your son, all John tried to do was help. So stop blaming John and start taking some of the responsibility yourself. Where were you when all this was going on? You should have brought up your children right, like I did." This leaves Bella speechless for a moment. She fingers her pearl necklace and throws hateful looks at 'those provincials from Kentucky', which means my Mom and me.

I'm too sleepy to protest, but this makes me wake up a little. I really hate the way where the whole thing is heading. I elbow Lucy, who jumps on her seat and notices Bella. She throws me a questioning glance. "Aunt," I whisper to her. She nods.

"Good evening, Aunt Bella," I manage to say, while fighting a yawn. My lack of sleep is slowly catching up with me. I am working 12 hours more then normal because we have a big hole without Doug. High up, they still haven't understood that we have one less doctor, and we have to work longer to do his workload.

"This is your lover, I presume," Bella mouths, pointing at Lucy. I frown and swallow my upcoming yawn. This is really heading towards a disaster.
Lucy looks appalled. She is trying to fight the blood rushing to her face.
"Mrs. Carter..." she says, her voice trembling with humiliation or rage. "I'm Dr. Carter's medical student."

I yawn, and desperately try not to fall asleep. I was on for straight 48 hours, with 30 minutes of sleep and my brain will shut down either because of the lack of oxygen or human food. I ate 12 chocolate bars, three apples, five sandwiches and my system needs nutritious substance.

"Should we order something?" I suggest.
"Yes. What do you like to eat?" my mother asks, raising her hand to waive a waiter.
"Anything that doesn't have meat in it," Lucy and me say almost in unison. Last three hours were a storm of MVA's, blood and body parts everywhere. Bella looks up with some surprise in her eyes, but then frowns again.

I down my dinner very fast, a little slower then Lucy, and then wait for almost an hour until my mom and aunt finish eating. I feel sleep overpowering my mind again, and yawn viciously, almost breaking my jaw in process.

My mother looks, worry written all over her face.
"John, do you get enough sleep?" she asks, her voice a little tense. I nearly snort. Three hours a night is the most sleep I can get.
"Yes, I think so."
"Where do you live?" Bella asks, looking at me with disgust.
"Ah... I rent a room."

By the time we are finished with eating, it looks that neither me or Lucy will get home without causing major traffic accidents while crossing the road. The more you get used to 36'ers, the sleepier you get if you go to sleep later then usual. I can stay with my family, but will Lucy make it to her dorm without falling over? I don't think so. I share these thoughts with my Mom.

"You can spend the night at Carter Manor," Mum says to Lucy, who agrees with her. Wow, I think, Lucy is going to spend the night at the great Carter Mansion. Who would have thought. Maybe I can sneak into her room in the middle of the night. Gee, John, stop thinking like a teenager with raging hormones, I tell myself, almost blushing.

I switch to Lucy, who seems to be daydreaming and is a million miles away. I wonder what she could be thinking about. Probably something that happened in Trauma 2 today or maybe she is thinking about me. I sure was thinking about her and how I want to sleep in the same bed as Lucy tonight but my brain and my common sense are stronger then my hormones and foolishness.

My mother pays for dinner and heads towards the limousine. We walk behind her, Bella is in the tail of our small procession. We climb into the car, sinking onto the soft leather seats. We definitely have to install those in the cafeteria.

"Got two new med students," I murmur, loud enough for Lucy to snap out of her dreamland.
"Heaven on earth. I'm envious," she says. "Any rectals?"
"Three. Then five IV's. I think I could do a victory dance if that guy from radiology returned the X-rays for the last year."
"What are you talking about?" Bella quips.
"Medical stuff," I say, and Lucy snorts.
"Now I have got you, Scales, and Darwin. Even Benton didn't have such luxury."
"I agree. Oh, about the MVA guy: what did his tox screen show?"

We talk about the charts and the bloodwork for the MVA, with my aunt occasionally sticking her nose into the conversation. Aunt Bella tries to change the subject many times but the conversation keeps coming back to medicine. This only annoys Aunt Bella even more.

When we arrive, I say my goodnights, and go to my old room, delighted to see my childhood paraphernalia. As a kid I liked to play with my sister, unlike everyone else, and I still have one of expensive Barbies from late seventies, made especially for Barbara, lying on my table. I really should hide that though I don't want Lucy to see it there, it doesn't look very cool. Dr. Carter, in reality a big softy who played with his sister when he was a kid. The Gossip Society will be delighted.

I pull off my clothes, leaving only my boxers on. I fold the jeans and put them over the chair, the T-shirt follows. I always fold my clothes, maybe except before... umm... you get the idea. It's always good to have clothes that don't look like they got chewed by a cow, Gamma told us. For us children, many years ago, Millicent Langford Carter was the dearest person. In public she's a brilliant woman who doesn't look her age, blue-blooded and famous, but in private she can be the most caring grandma on Earth.

I climb under the sheets, immediately feeling exhausted. It must be the aura of this room, which was my safe haven during my childhood, filled with happiness and laughter. After Bobby died, everything was never the same, but I still can feel him looking at me when I lie in this bed. Childhood memories appear out of nowhere, envelop me and carry me away.

I'm woken by a beep. I wonder from where it is coming, then I remember that I asked Jerry to page me at eight. Our shift starts at 11, but I need to check some charts and do the leftover paperwork. After pulling my clothes on, I stumble down the stairs, finding my way to the kitchen almost by some sixth sense. Lucy is also down there, drinking coffee.
"Three more hours, and we're on," she says, her voice low so she wouldn't wake anyone.
"We have some second year students coming in today. Would you care to keep them out of my sight?"
"Yes, I will. Can I lock them in the supplies room?"
"No, they'll get scared. Lock them in the morgue, I wouldn't miss for the world to watch them."

My Mom strolls into the kitchen, looking as she was bitten by something.
"John, I want to talk to you. In private." Her voice is a bit chilly for my liking.
"Yes... fine... whatever...Be back soon, Luce," I say to Lucy, who nods.
We go to the huge room, which serves as the office at the Carter Manor. I slip into the huge green chair, pulling my feet up. My mom sits down on the other side of the table. Even if there is a conversation between members of our family, we still behave like we're discussing stock market. The psych department would sell their souls for a penny annd donate all their organs to charity just to get their hands on our family.
"John, how is your financial state?" she asks. I bite my lip and try to think up a reasonable answer.
"Uhm... It's fine."
"How much do you get per week?"
"600 dollars." 578 dollars 38 cents to be exact.
"Why aren't you using the money from the trust fund?"
"Who said I can use it? I think Grandpa disowned me."
"I didn't know that," she says. "But where did you get money from?"
"I work as a doctor, three 36 hour shifts. I sleep three hours a night. I live at other doctor's apartment, but it's reality. I'm almost thankful to Grandpa for disowning me. Without that, I'd live in Carter fashion till now," I snap, immediately regretting my words. Me and my big mouth.
"I didn't know that," she says again, her voice seemingly colder. "Do you need any financial help? I can pay your bills."
I want to scream. Here she is, talking about financial help. Six hundred per week is enough to live and pay rent. I don't want the damned money, I want my family to behave like humans. I want my mom to hug me and tell me that she still loves me, but what do I get? "Do you need any financial help?"
I swallow the lump in my throat and stand up. "Mom, I want to have breakfast. We can talk later."

I go back into the kitchen, sit down and eat my corn flakes without saying a word. Inside I feel as though my mother and my family don't respect what I do for a living. Damn them I worked hard to get where I am as a doctor, I do not need their charity. It feels really great to make it on my own and there is no going back now. Yeah, John, keep fooling yourself, you idiot, some dark shadow in my soul whispers, making me doubt my own confidence.

The shift flies by quickly, my mind being plagued by the fact I have to go to another Carter dinner. Of course I ask Lucy to go with me. I doubt my family's intentions in being interested in me like this all of a sudden, and I need someone from the outside to go with me. I always feel better when Lucy is around. Her cheerfulness and innocence reminds me of myself, first year in CCH. I was a clueless med student with no worries and a happy life. But how Bob Dylan said, "the times are a' changin'".

I wear a suit, with the most conservative tie I could find in my locker. Lucy is wearing a modest black dress, and her hair combed back and braided. Malik and Jerry are whispering behind our backs, already starting to spread rumors. We ignore them and go to the waiting limousine, courtesy of my family.

In an hour we are there, my family sitting around the dinner table, which is as long as two limousines. I would much rather eat in a more casual setting. I learned to hate big family meetings where everyone puts on a false smile and sits through the evening pretending to enjoy the others' presence.

The whole Chicago branch of my family is here, well, except for Bobby. Chase is here, and my heart misses a beat when he mumbles his usual "Hello John".
"Lucy, that's my cousin Chase," I say, kneeling in front of his wheelchair. Chase started to use ASL because it's easier for him to communicate that way.
He still speaks to his parents, Gamma and me. "An-na?" he asks, pointing at Lucy. I scowl, feeling an unpleasant twinge in my heart. I don't like to be reminded about Anna Del Amico, but my dear Chase doesn't know it.
"No, it's Lucy," I say, frowning.
"Lu-cy?" he asks bewildered.
"Lucy is my med student."
"Lucy!" he says, beaming.
"Lucy, say hello to Chase."

Lucy smiles to Chase, and my poor cousin smiles back, he whispers to me that she is very pretty.
Lucy smiles, taking Chase's hand. "Why thank you, Chase, that is sweet of you to say that."
The entrée is served, and everyone starts eating. My cousin already can use a spoon, I note with a smile. All of my relatives are talking about their vacations in various tropical locations, and I'm starting to get bored.

"Are you and Jo-hn getting married?" Chase says to Lucy, very loud. Suddenly the whole room is silent, and someone drops a plate. The sound of it breaking fills the room like a shock wave.
"Chase, I told you that Lucy is my medical student," I say, my voice sounding false and hoarse. Everyone in the room is staring at me, their eyes empty, like bottomless pools.

"I'm not hungry, excuse me," I whisper, standing up and walking out of the room. I walk up the enormous staircase, my head spinning with dozens of thoughts at the same time. I keep thinking to myself if I just would have asked the family for help than Chase would still be OK. On the other hand, I tried to help Chase, but he just didn't want it. My thoughts also turn to Lucy: why do we have to wait a year to explore our feelings because of some stupid hospital policy? I love her and want her now, or at least I think so. I wonder if Lucy and I walked into Anspaugh's office and said that we were already married, then what could he do about it? It would also prove that I loved her and I wasn't going to be taking advantage of her. I don't know what to do. Chase touched a raw nerve, without even knowing it.

I throw myself on my old bed and start crying. I can't hold my tears anymore, everything is making me crazy. "Men don't cry," my father said. But what the hell are they supposed to do when they are going insane? Run around, kiss everyone's ass, and be happy? I'm not a man, I'm not a human anymore. I'm a living disaster.

I curl up on the bed, and close my eyes. Maybe tomorrow everything will be much clearer, bringing some sense into my mind about the whole thing with Chase, hospital, and Lucy. Yes, Lucy, I last saw her at the table talking to Chase... oh my God, she can't see me like this. I hate when someone catches me crying. My father and Bobby teased me about it, calling me a crybaby. I cried a lot as a kid, each time when I saw something injured or dying. That was still present when I just became a third year med student. I used to hide from Benton in the men's room at radiology floor and cry after someone died. But now I became some kind of senseless machine, saying "death" like it was some medical term, without thinking about the word's meaning.

The door makes an unpleasant screeching sound. I look up and I see a figure standing in the doorway. It's Lucy, she doesn't say anything but comes over to my bed and sits down next to me, wiping away my tears, whispering soothing words. I let myself relax in her hands, and just sit quietly, listening to melodic rhythm of her voice, telling me that everything will turn out all right. I wish it would be true.

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